The Boy Drives Off

Today, I watched the baby just pull out of the driveway and head off alone in a car for the very first time.

My feelings?  So many at once...a little sick to my stomach mixed with gratefulness that all went well, that he passed and  actually came home with the license. Sadness and relief,  that we won't be running down each night to pick him up from practice an hour haul round trip.

What is the boy, our treasured baby like? He is one of those people you come across in life that you just want to get to know better. He believes he has a strong place in this world. He takes up space, he is big and athletic with a very rugged appeal. When he enters the house, the door flies open with a sudden burst, he yells his arrival. Miss Bear always charges him with a rough and tough greeting she saves for her adored master.

When he comes into the kitchen, his hand is always reaching for food. The body always hungering. When he shuts his door he does it soundly, never a quiet click.
He puts in his all into whatever he is working on.

At times when he was younger, it could drive me crazy, he was so hard on himself, and now I see that was how he worked into the confidence he carries with him everyday. He understands within himself that he creates his world by how much he puts in.

He has me completely wrapped around his finger, though I try to convince him otherwise. When I do something that really pleases him he wraps his arms around me, squeezes my shoulders and with that deep voice says "great job Mom, I love you" I answer with "of course you do, you just got your way".

Inside though, I am swollen with joy.

This was the child that I decided to quietly create. Yes, of course I had a partner in my husband, he just wasn't quite aware of how I was hungering for this fourth child. After having three beautiful boys- I wanted my girl, I wanted my daughter who I would dress in pink,  play with her shiny dark hair, and take to ballet instead of basketball.  She would have a button nose and a spunk to her. I couldn't wait to begin the process of her creation, and so I didn't.  I started when my 3rd was just a tiny infant. (Yes there are moments in my life where I definitely feel that like Lucy in I Love Lucy: I leap forward, and worry later.)

The fourth pregnancy came immediately, I put on a front of shock like everyone else, and honestly felt so overwhelmed at my lack of planning- just good old fashioned emotional hungering.
For my husband wanted 2 kids and possibly one dog, if that.

I still remember clearly the night I told him of Kevin's pregnancy- the house full, upstairs a sleeping 5 yr old, 3 yr old and infant. We were watching Seinfeld, and every commercial I would gather myself to tell my husband, then recede back into myself, overwhelmed at the prospect of what was ahead of us. When I did tell my him,  I laid it out and let my false bravado slip away. His answer...I will never forget, "we will raise these kids to be really decent people, that we want to spend our time with."

Kevin of course is as far as can be from my delicate, shiny haired wanna be daughter. He came out with the blondest of hair and bluest of eyes. He was a wild infant in utero, and came out in the same style. I looked at him and fell so in love, laughed in relief that I finally felt complete. I knew immediately I had been waiting for him, that he would complete our family and quietly put my daughter dreams aside  and fell wildly, crazily in love with our last. Our baby.

We treasure our boys, love them and respect them. And expect that and more back from each of them. Ours is not a democracy, though as the boys are becoming wonderful men and the hammering days have gone, and we instead now quietly chisel and mold our boys,  I can see how we are becoming more like board members, advising in the backdrop to their lives- rather than the focus.

That is how it should be and so yes, as he drove out this morning so many thoughts, and yet the understanding this is what we hope and pray for everyday of their lives.  That they go forth.

 Safe traveling, my baby boy, love you always and forever. xo Mom